Lizards World: Uncut


This blog is something special to me because none of my friends or family know that I have it. Lizards World is where I can safely share my feelings, I will share my writing and journal entries. This is something special to me because I am able to express my feelings and start putting my writing out there for other people to read. Sharing my writing is very hard for me, but I believe a lot of what I write could essentially help and inspire others who may be struggling with similar issues. I hope you all enjoy my posts and please feel free to give me feed back...

The hardest things in life....  

Running away has always been my thing.  I have always ran away from anything uncomfortable.  I run because I do not want conflict, or I am unhappy, or I am too happy.  I have also ran away to forget painful memories and people.  I have learned throughout the last ten years that it doesn’t matter whether or not you move to the west coast from the east coast, or from the United States or Pakistan…. Your problems, pain, anger, and people will just carry on to your new home.  In the end you will be left with the harsh reality; giving you an uncontrollable urge to run away again…. 

Every end is a new beginning… Sometimes it feels like the new beginning could be the end of life as we know it.  Changing one’s habits is very uncomfortable, especially if it is something that has been apart of your daily routing for years.  How do we change our habits?  it is said that it takes 3 days to form a habit.  It takes 30 days to break a habit.  I found that interesting.  Only 3 days to form a habit (good or bad) but 30 days to break one!  I have thought about replacing my bad habit with a good habit.  If it only takes me 3 days to form a good habit then it would not be too hard to let go of the bad because my time will be filled with the new activity. 

When you are left with the choice to live or die you would think that breaking away from the things that are going to kill you would be an easy decision.  I never thought I would be where I am today.  A 28 year old woman who is not only jaded because of my inability to except love because of the way I have been treated due to the way I had chose to live my life for awhile, but now I am also physically jaded because of those choices.  I am ruined.  I am now an official waste of a woman.  Granit I have a boyfriend that I love, but if him and I were to not work out then no one else will want me. I am too damaged.  I am too broken inside and with an illness that can affect someone else on top of my high maintenance emotional instability, I am probably not going to be left with too many options.  Nobody in their right mind would want anything to do with me.  No one…

The solution is simple…. keep using die slowly and painfully or quit using and live a happy life.  I do not like myself more and more everyday.  As time passes and I keep using, I feel more and more like a piece of shit.  the problem is I do not know how to quit and my best friend, my lover, and companion and I connect really well when we are under the influence.  I am afraid to try and quit with him because he has been doing it for so long that I know he will not be honest with me about it…. that scares me…. I love him

 

These are the collages I make.  Tell me what you think….